Funnies

[EvilSpaghetti]

It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said "Professional Courtesy!"

[EvilSpaghetti]

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

[EvilSpaghetti]

A banker, an engineer and a lawyer were driving down a road when suddenly, their car broke down. Seeing a farm house near by, they decided to stop by and ask if they could sleep overnight while their car was being repaired. "Sure", replied the farmer, "...but I only have two spare beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn." The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu." So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door: "I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig in the barn, and I am Jewish." The lawyer said "I know what you're up to, but I'll go", and so the lawyer went out the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig.

[Noxide]

Just for you (again) Noxide...

Attachment 18619

Yummy!!! (not the slippers)

Attachment 18617

That's hilarious!!!

[EvilSpaghetti]

A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457 year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said "Why, you must be 457 years old. We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"

[EvilSpaghetti]

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

[Noxide]

Gun_Wins.jpg.................

[EvilSpaghetti]

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

[EvilSpaghetti]

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

[Noxide]

****_Fountain.jpg.................