Funnies

[aneeshman]

[gerrit1951]

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?
A sheep.

Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories.

What do elephants say as a compliment to other elephants?
You look elephantastic.

How to elephants talk to each other?
By 'elephone.

We have just had a blessed event in our house - my mother-in-law has just gone back to her own house.

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."
The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I only catch her in my pockets.

A man took his wife to the doctors. After he had examined her the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied, "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 30 years."

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."

[EvilSpaghetti]

[gerrit1951]

The New Captain America

captain-america .jpg

Man i love Superhero's,ehh the female kind

[EvilSpaghetti]

[Vishay]

A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office. The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test.
“What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers.
“What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.”

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.”

“Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees.

“What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal’s eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers.

“What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies.

“You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers.

“I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers.

“Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”

[gerrit1951]

Which animals were the last to leave Noah's ark?
The elephants because they had to pack their trunks.

Why do elephants do so well in school?
Because they have a lot of grey matter.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look really silly carrying suitcases.

What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.

What would you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.

George: My girlfriend has a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin has the glow of a peach, her cheeks are like apples and her lips like cherries.
Fred: Sounds more like a fruit salad to me.

My new girlfriend has lovely long brown hair all down her back. It's just a shame that she doen't have any on her head.

Why is a launderette not a good place to find a girlfriend?
If she cannot even afford to buy her own washing machine, she will never have enough money to support you.

'I just bought my mother-in-law a Jaguar.' 'Cor - I thought you didn't like her.' 'I know what I'm doing, it's bitten her twice already.'

You know, I don't know what I'd do without my mother-in-law - but it's nice dreaming about it.
I mean, she's not ugly - it's just that when she makes up, the lipstick crawls back down the tube.
She's found a new cheap way of making yoghourt and sour cream - she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.

Did you see which way the programmer went?
He went DATA way.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?
A big mac.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

[Vishay]

A 60 yr old man goes to visit his doctor for a regular checkup.

Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"

Doctor: " O really now?

Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"

Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."

Oldman: "ok"

Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didn’t have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."

Doctor:" My point exactly"

[NaturalMystyk27]

[NaturalMystyk27]