Funnies

[Cyclonus]

[Cyclonus]

[Noxide]

Stealing this for Facebook!

[NaturalMystyk27]

[SuperFlash1980]

[NaturalMystyk27]

[Vishay]

Maria, our Maid, asked for a pay increase and my wife was very upset about this so decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
( A few moments of silence )

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[NaturalMystyk27]

[80beyond]

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I only catch her in my pockets.

First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?"
Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."

Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force?
He he wanted to grill his suspects.

What did the cannibal say when he was full up?
I couldn't eat another mortal.

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I only catch her in my pockets.

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!

A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.

A FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.

[Vishay]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."